Senile old man hates youth and doesn’t understand technology

A few weeks ago, a writer for the New York Post, Steve Cuozzo, wrote an article about how millenials are killing the power lunches of old that him and his fellow white, steam room buddies with black lungs and failing livers used to make sure to carve out 3 hours of their workday to enjoy. The lunch consisted of meat and martinis, and, reading between the writers lines, some fond racist, sexist humor in between the gasps for air through the thick smoke clouds from their lucky strike cigarettes. Oh, what a time it was, in fancy over priced restaurants filled with Broadway stars and writers back when people gave a shit about writers and their names had some clout. When it was white as far as the eye could see and Steve Cuozzo didn’t have to worry about dropping an N bomb or a homophobic joke before slurping back his 3rd martini and grabbing the waitresses ass.

Millenials however have apparently stopped this timeless art of liquid lunch and instead have become more intent on working a full day and even through their lunch hour, perhaps eating salads at their desks, as Steve assumes. Personally, I would love nothing more than to have a liquid lunch of a few Sam Adams and maybe a hot dog from the street for some cushion, except as time went on, bosses began to frown upon their employees showing up back to work after their lunch sabbatical shitfaced with booze oozing from their pores and in dire need of a power nap to finish off that power lunch. Its an unfortunate turn of events, though it seems kinda silly to even argue the merits of why its important not to be hammered at work. Steve feels otherwise. He also doesn’t understand why some of us (myself not included) are so health conscious and take pride in what we put in our bodies. Millenials let him know on the ol’ twitter just how how of touch with reality he was, which normally I refrain from ever agreeing with the mobs of stupidity that form when people fire out their rapid thoughts in 160 characters or less simply because they can, but in this case they weren’t totally wrong.

Steve of course didn’t like that people disagreed with him, he probably also realized a lot of the tweets were coming from women and minorities, and that most likely sent him over the edge. Back in his day…

So he did what any old man with a sense of pride and an out of touch sense of thought would do, he wrote another article doubling down on his hatred for millenials. Though he took one right out the book of current day cry babies on the internet, and instead threw blame on the millenials, claiming himself to be a victim of millenial bullying, by hatred that has apparently never been seen before by anyone in this country due to an age gap. Severe hatred of someone because of their skin color or who they have sex with in the comfort of their own home, Steve has no problem with that. But to hate someone simply because they’re older than you, the nerve of us kale eating sons of bitches.

Steve fired up his typewriter and proceeded to yell at the clouds of todays youth, his liver spotted hands flailing away in anger.

Too many millennials whine that their complacent elders bequeathed them a rotten America and a rotten world — economic malaise that will leave them with lousier lives than their parents and a planet on fire from climate change. But if they spent more time studying actual history, which can’t easily be found on iPhones, they’d know that boomers were, and remain, the most socially and environmentally conscious generation America ever has ever known. “

He gets mad we are mad, apparently not knowing our place, or that we didn’t just quietly fall in line and accept the shit brick of a world that has been left to us by people who were too busy enjoying a thirsty Thursday at 1pm to give a shit themselves about the future. Somehow, accidentally showing his hand that the text on his phone is in the largest format possible, thus taking up too much space for him to use any of the functions of a smart phone besides calling his grandkids to leave a message when they inevitably don’t answer, as well as calculating the tip of his overpriced martini lunch, he attacks our knowledge when it comes to history. History can 100% easily be found on an iPhone, Steve just doesn’t have the medulla ability to figure out how, and his grandson won’t return his calls to help him install new apps on his nifty phone doo-dad.

Plenty of ambitious, future-focused millennials work their hearts out at taxing, low-paying jobs. But many “working” members of their generation wear their resentment on their un-ironed sleeves.

In his angry lunch rant article he moaned about how we wear our shirts untucked, and now he’s continuing to attack our wardrobe by crying that we don’t use irons. He spent an entire article crying that the hatred between age gaps never hit the level it has now, except he seems to forget that back in the 70’s when he was busy raw dogging it in piles of sweaty, acid tripping bodies while In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida blasted in the background, the generation before him was slamming their beers bitching about how they didn’t kill Nazis so kids today could wear their hair down to their shoulders. Steve has literally reversed roles and he’s either too proud or too close to total senility to realize it.

The zoned-out guy at Duane Reade took a $5 bill from me and inexplicably asked me what my phone number was — to the amused tittering of decidedly older customers in line behind me

Steve then goes on to mock a few retail employees he had run ins with, trying to insult a clerk for asking him for his phone number at check out, without realizing that the kid was probably checking to see if he had a store card. He probably still hasn’t figured that out, and might be upset his Diners Club Card no longer covers all expenses. He continues ranting about how our student loans aren’t much higher than his were, except when you factor in that the cost of living back then was basically the equivalent of 1/8th of rent today, as well as the other expenses that have skyrocketed due to poor decision making on the parts of the buzzed boomers before us, his point becomes even more nonsensical and another attempt at a tired old man grasping for straws. Plastic, bendy straws, ripe for the nostrils of sea turtles.

The entire article reads like that of an angry old man upset that the world around him is changing, trying to throw blame and anger at those of us who don’t need to carry around large plastic beepers in case we fall, or can do menial tasks such as picking up a gallon of milk or getting into bed without any help. Perhaps he’s afraid, scared of this new world where he can’t call women “dolls” and just grab them whenever he wants, or expect any minority to do his bidding and not look him in the eyes. Maybe he’s just angry he doesn’t know how to work his phone yet, resentful that us millenials are able to order our kale salads and read about historical events all in the flick of a finger, while he’s busy at the end of the bar alone, trying to order his 4th martini to wash down his heart medication with lunch.

make sure to check out more of our takes on random nonsense at brewpound.com

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