Somebody get this kid a happy meal

With Game of Thrones ending recently, people are turning to any source they can to get their Tyrion Lannister sized entertainment. Seeing opportunity calling, a man in Long Island flopped a phone book on the ground (I assume), got up to eye level with other customers in the store, then went on a bizarre, unnecessary rant about how women don’t like men shorter than 5 feet and how he can’t get a date on dating sites. He was continuing to fight the fight Dewey Cox started in the 60’s.

He initially became enraged at the girl serving him smiling at him, like most servers do during their initial intereaction with a customer, or clowns do as they’re about to bend down to hand a small child a balloon, though instead he took it as a sign she was mocking his small frame. Reacting to a girl who smiles at you with a spit fueled monologue about how all women look for in a man these days is someone who can see over the counter usually won’t help you get laid, but this mini-man doesn’t seem to think that was his problem.

Instead of smiling back and ordering his mini bagel, he decided this was the perfect venue to rant at nobody in particular about just how cruel life, and women in general, are to the short population. You would think this was a case of a half man having the morning grumpies, rising out of his race car bed with some extra sleepies, not ready to face the large world that day full of wonder and in dire need of his morning hot chocolate with extra marshmallows. However, searching deeper, it turns out this part time stand in for child actors on Disney Channel has a history of looking up at those around him and doing this.

In fact, he has an entire youtube channel dedicated to following his misadventures in the world and watching close ups of him ranting as long as his tiny lungs will allow him too. He’s gone into other stores and began similar rants at the employees, and in some, countering their supposed mockery of him with his own racially charged insults and asking them how they’d feel if he said what he literally just said to them, as if he hadn’t said it. In his defense, his small brain hasn’t fully developed, so his memory isn’t that good to realize he did in fact say something a few seconds ago.

Though on Tuesday, he hit it big. All these years of hard work, he finally made it down the yellow brick road to his own personal Oz and his lunatic shtick gained some attention. He’s even been contacted by the papers and claiming his phone, filled with candy, won’t stop ringing. He’s apparently found the mecca of women who have moved on from the fad of carrying their dogs in their purse and now want to carry their man with them wherever they go.

It won’t be long before we see bagel man shirts in sizes XXXsmall-small, and other merchandise fit for a Napoleon like King, being worn by people who ordered it around the few days he had his 7 and a half minutes of fame but didn’t get it until he was long forgotten. Bagel man won’t care though, he’ll have made enough in this short time to fill at least 3 piggy banks. And when that money runs out on lavish trips to the candy store, he’ll put on his big boy pants, tighten the belt 9 notches so they fit, and waltz into another store and try to make people remember who he is. That’s how the world works now, get your quick fix of fame of and fortune and try to make it last a lifetime. Unfortunately for this guy, his lifetime will probably rival that of a large dog.

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