In an effort to make himself look like someone who cares, instead of just another mouth piece for whichever organization can line his pockets fastest, Governor Cuomo has decided to place a ban on plastic bags in New York beginning next year. Citing the amount of wasted bags taking up space in streets and landfills, as well as in the water he spends the majority of his time deep-sea fishing in during his ample amount of down time, he’s declared single use plastic bags will be banned from all stores beginning next March. Rendering Katy Perry to have to feel like some other type of object.
Now this does not eliminate trash bags, which unless you’re a fuckin whackjob living in a log cabin in the woods who also shits in a hole outside or something, are also made for one time use. Other bags, like garment bags and plastic baggies for fruit and whatnot at the stores will also still remain. Basically, he’s made it so you have to bring your own bag to the store in order to carry your groceries out, or you can spend a nickel and get a paper bag. Everyone knows the best way to bag groceries is a paper bag with a plastic bag on the outside, but that will be no more.
This leads you to wonder, is this a bigger conspiracy? Has Cuomo been taking bribes from PBS in order to force people to shell out $50 donations to them for those free tote bags? Does he own stock in the paper bag business? Something has to be going on deeper here than what meets the eye because there’s no way someone whos entire livelihood is telling lies to the public while living the high life off their tax money actually gives a shit about pollution or the earth in general. And this does absolutely nothing since there’s still 10 million other varieties of plastic bags that will remain in existence. Did Cuomo have a bag of groceries break while walking to his car and this is his spiteful way of getting back at an inanimate object? Probably not because I doubt he’s been to a grocery store since before he took office and had intern peasants to do his bidding.
The worst part is, I actually rely on those bags. Every time I get home from the store, those empty bags go in a cabinet to be taken out one by one on a daily basis when I walk my dog. They’re perfect little shit bags. And guess what, my dog shits. A lot. Just like his dad. Is Cuomo going to come down here and pick up my dogs shit himself? Doubtful since he’s too busy spewing his own shit out his mouth in Albany. Instead, I’m going to let my dog shit all over the place and not pick up after him, since plastic bags are so harmful. Not even the small ones they sell specifically for dog shit are safe for the environment, so I’ll do my part for the earth and future generations and allow my dog to spread natural fertilizer all over the lower New York area so Cuomos illegitimate grandchildren he has spread out down here can grow up safely. It’s all I can do for my part in this green new deal. Greener grass, and depending on what my dog ate the night before, possibly greener shit. You’re welcome, Governor Shit Bag, just make sure to check your shoes before getting back into your tax funded limo.