I would never be one to porno-shame, thats not me. That’d be unfair, rude and above all else, extremely hypocritical. Nor would I ever be one to shame someone’s sexual fetishes or desires. What turns someone on in the bedroom is their own business and as long as everything happening in there is consensual then enjoy the ride (literally).
The dark corners of the internet hold some weird fucked up shit though, and if you’ve got yourself some weird sexual penchant for disturbing things, you’ll be able to find it on some seedy website that is probably downloading your personal information in secret while you’re busy manhandling yourself to people having sex with midgets in socks, or whatever weird shit it is you like. A particularly unusual category of porn is old people. Don’t ask me why, but I assume the ones watching this have grandparent issues or something, that they self medicate with porno-therapy of watching grandmas get railed by 3 black dudes. And hey, as long as Grandma knows she’s being recorded and is a willing participant, than go ahead and watch ya little freak.
Deadspin, the site known for making sure to include their cop hating, white guilt induced, superficial social justice fighting ideals into blogs about sports, has been using their platform for one of their writers to search for her apparent flavor of the day fetish. Article after article, Diana Moskovitz has become obsessed with the Robert Kraft spagate story, clamoring to see the video. The video in question would be, I assume, Robert Kraft, a 77 year old man, getting probably a 30 minute back massage by a small Asian woman before turning over and getting an old fashioned handy for a minute or two. Now, I don’t know for sure if Diana is into watching naked old men get massages, or if she is into watching them get a quick therapeutic stress reducing handjob, but clearly she has some sort of desire here she needs to be able to take care of herself to.
It’d be one thing if this was an extremely important sports story, and when it first broke she wrote about it, understandably. Then it took a turn, and she talked about how the video is out there and Robert Kraft doesn’t want you seeing it. This is where her interest began to move away from sports journalism and more into her own hidden grandpa lust she’s been running away from all her life. She didn’t want to see the video at first, but Kraft trying to keep it from seeing the light of day made it the forbidden fruit her granny panty wearing, grampy undies dropping weird ass needed to see. So she continued to write about it. Hiding her fantasy in plain site behind some post about the legality of it all to cover her actual intentions. And then she wrote about it some more. She threw some stuff about the news aspect of it in there, to throw us off her 77 year old man desire tracks, not wanting the world to know just how much she craves the video of an old mans wrinkly old balls sagging on the bottom of a massage table.
The video still wasn’t being released, and losing interest in the current stable of old men porno she had been previously watching alone with just a tub of ice cream and her crusted vibrator, she pressed Kraft more. Her twitter feed became a string of nonsense related to Kraft as she continued searching for the video of his dick being played by a small Asian woman like a bamboo flute. Her entire life had become the fifth Indiana Jones movie, updated to be played by a woman due to our current political climate, where the only ancient relic Indy is looking for is a liver spotted dick of an old man who needed some tension relieved.
So she stayed on her chosen path of seeing the Kraft shaft. She tweeted about the court proceedings she stayed in bed to watch, hoping to catch a glimpse of his deflated sack, while live tweeting herself masturbating (I assume) to videos of old men feeding ducks in the park. For now, she has hit a wall in seeing the elusive Robert Kraft sex tape. She continues to tweet on the subject, holding out hope her passion for old men dick will not go unfulfilled. Who can dedicate this much time and effort to seeing an old man getting his main vein drained? This is hard hitting journalism at it’s finest, with Diana going hard for the wrinkly old apples dangling off the tree of life in front of her, hoping every morning today will be the day she can finally have the image of Krafts billionaire hog forever ingrained in her memory. This is a true American hero, crusading for justice.