Meth, heroine, crack, cocaine, alcohol- just a few of the drugs that can ultimately lead to having a good time. Or, in way too many cases recently, death. People want you to believe we’re having an opioid epidemic in America, and in some areas of the country, it’s definitely happening. There’s been a recent influx of another drug though, one that may cause harm to both children and adults, that’s slowly been making it’s way into homes all across the country. They’ve even been approved by the drug-peddling FDA to be sold in drug stores all over at a fairly reasonable price. I’m talking about gummy vitamins.
Falling under the category of dietary supplements, vitamins are regulated by the FDA and easily available to anyone of any age. Do they sound harmful? Of course not, nobody thinks poisonous toxins or fatal overdoses when they think of gummy bears. They’re the fluffy pillows of the snack world, but much like when my Grandmother asked me to put her out of her misery by smothering her with a pillow on her deathbed, gummy bears have their dark side too, and the pharmaceutical companies are pounding them down our throats at an unbelievable pace.
These gummy bears come in all varieties of vitamins, including multivitamins which pack a punch of every essential vitamin necessary. Take away the gummy aspect of it, would you think you can take TOO many vitamins? Of course, and you would usually abide somewhat to the recommended dosage when taking them. Now take away the vitamin aspect, would you think you can have TOO many gummy bears? Absolutely not, and I’ll fight anyone who thinks otherwise. This confusing mixture can lead to very bad results.
Picture this, it’s late, your sweet tooth comes calling, you have nothing in the cabinet to satisfy it. You go to the bathroom to stare at the failure that you’ve become who can’t even keep some sugary snacks on hand, but the mirror is slightly cracked open, revealing just enough of the medicine cabinet behind. Peaking out at you is a little bottle filled with sugary, fruit flavored goodness. A tiny red bear, waving it’s gummy little paw at you, begging to come out and play.
Sure, “Vitafusion” isn’t a normal brand of gummy bears, but you’re desperate. You’ll take a few, you tell yourself, no more than 3-4. Next thing you know you wake up on the couch with Netflix asking you if you’re still watching The Office with an empty plastic bottle on the floor rolling inches away from your hand, which is slightly trembling, while you momentarily are confused on whether or not you’re still alive. It happens.
Too many vitamins can lead to plenty of side effects, and Vitamin A alone is pretty much an FDA approved Kevorkian pill. Side effects of Vitamin A, also known as hypervitaminosis A, (seriously it’s got it’s own evil villain nickname) include vision disturbances, nausea/vomiting, sunlight sensitivity, hair loss, liver damage, jaundice, delayed growth, confusion and itchy skin. Itchy fuckin skin! Know when you’ll get that? When you try to kick the vitamin habit and your body begins to detox, leading to the sweats and itching to the point you’ll tear your flesh if you don’t feed your belly some of that sweet vitamin A.
I’ve been there, I’ve seen firsthand the effects of gummy vitamins. It wasn’t vitamin A, but I’ve gone overboard on gummy fiber pills before, and it was not pretty. Do you know what happens when you have too much fiber? I was shitting mini-fridge sized loads, which led to a tender, sore butthole that would make even a victim of prison rape cringe. It’s a story all too commonly told and it’s about time we put a stop to it. The dangers of gummy bear vitamins are way too real and someone needs to stand up to the FDA before someone in their family is arrested for blowing some sketchy dude in an alley who promised them an endless amount of Fred Flintsone shaped multivitamins to fulfill their endless craving of sugar and Vitamins A-Z. Opioid epidemic? We need to turn our nations attention to the real problem, before little Timmy sees a bottle of gummy bears in the kitchen cabinet he thinks he can sneak before dinner, only to wind up passed out in the bathroom suffering from a bout of hypervitaminosis and Child Protective Services in knocking on his parents door.
Sure, some self-control and buying a bag of actual gummy bears while at the pharmacy is the cure for this evil, but that’s easier said than done. Someone needs to warn consumers of the dangers the FDA is gladly shoveling down our gullets while they profit off the upset stomachs and diarrhea that goes hand in hand with vitamin overdose. It may not be a full on epidemic now, but it won’t be long until we have rappers named Lil’ Gummy Bear and kids selling gummy bears laced with nobody knows what under the bleachers at schools all over. Until we face it head on, who knows when the next time you’ll wake up on the bathroom floor, vomiting multicolored gelatin gunk on the floor and bleeding out the rectum, wondering how you got there, will be.