So much shit is going on in the world that as a kid, I could never fathom. Was I just too naive? Too busy playing with wrestling figures and having weird thoughts about Daphne from Scooby-Doo? Or was I just blinded by the wonderful life I had of no responsibilities or cares in the world that I didn’t even recognize some of the things back then that remain to this day? There’s some things in life that I just don’t know the moment they became a “thing” but it seems today they’re normal, and nobody even bats an eye at the fact 20 years ago they were almost nonexistent.
First, when did sushi become such an extremely popular dish? When I was little, I don’t think I even heard the word sushi often. The only brief knowledge I had on it came from that Simpsons episode where Homer eats some poisonous fish and thinks he’s going to die.
Up until I was like 20, that was what I assumed all sushi was, so it was crazy to me to be seeing all these new sushi places popping up and people eating it like there was no chance at all of eating poorly cut blow-fish leaving them 22 hours to die. Yet here we are, its as common as a McDonalds. Did our parents eat sushi like this when we were younger and we just didn’t realize it? To this day I can’t imagine my dad eating a piece of raw fish. The man likes his food cooked, the American way.
Speaking of food, what the fuck is gluten. Why are we afraid of gluten like it’s the Russians about to push the nuke button on us in the 80s? I don’t think I had heard of it until someone told me they were allergic to it. I’d known about most allergies, like peanuts and chocolate, but who the fuck can’t eat gluten? What the fuck even is it? Bread? I’m not that smart, but I feel like nobody was making this a national crisis before like the mid 2000s. If you have celiac disease, which apparently is what gluten is kryptonite to, then that’s one thing. Why are people now staying away from it or going gluten-free on their own accord? What kind of monsters don’t want to eat bread? Not to mention, everything I see thats “gluten-free” somehow is much more expensive than it’s gluten containing counter part. Was gluten made up by the FDA to grind a few extra bucks out of unsuspecting hipsters hands? If that’s the case, then I’m all for screwing hipsters over.
Politics has gotten increasingly worse over the years. I feel like looking back as a kid, you were either a democrat or republican, sided with them on whatever issues, and that was that. Now you’ve got people foaming at the mouths over every political issue they can imagine. You’ve got republicans wanting to kill republicans and democrats wanting to kill everyone. Were people not running across the Mexican border into our country 20 years ago? Did a sudden influx happen that made them want to come here in larger masses. If our president hates them so much, wouldn’t they want to stay out? What event happened that got us to the point where people had to vehemently scream “Build the Wall”? Not to mention, as a little kid, I never would’ve thought that weird lookin dude who bumps into Kevin McCallister in the lobby of the hotel in Home Alone 2 would become our president.
Also, why are people acting like we didn’t know about families being broken up at the border? Did everyone think before Trump that there was some upper class commune for the illegals crossing over to wait at with their families while the government got their documents in order? No, fuckheads, this shit has been going on forever. This is nothing new, its not a sign of us living in a Dystopian future, it’s just a sign people are opening their eyes to reality because they need to find new things to bitch about and blame on Trump. The guy might be an egotistical moron who does and says some stupid shit, but the one, for once, ain’t on him.
I also don’t know at what point there became more than 2 genders. I knew people were gay as a kid, and I had no issue with it then. My knowledge of the homosexual community also came pretty much from an episode of the Simpsons, but I’ve since learned a little more.
It’s great that we definitely live in a more tolerable world, but the boundaries seem to be pretty loose. We have men who look and act like men, but stomp their feet and scream they want to be called “ma’am” while we have women who could very easily beat the shit out of me, with beards nicer than mine, and they want to be called men, and are attracted to men, making them I don’t fucking know what. Soon people will stomp their feet and demand to be identified as giraffes and dogs and people will have argued their way into a corner having demanded so much equal rights for any group demanding equality that they won’t know when to stop. Then I’ll be working for a fuckin giraffe one day. It’s inevitable.
Childhood me would’ve been OK with that, as long as it was Geoffrey the Giraffe. Unfortunately, Toys R Us is a casualty of the times changing, and instead of a guy in a suit, Geoffrey the Giraffe will soon be some chick from Montana who wasn’t comfortable in her human skin so she got brown and yellow splotches tattooed all over her body and neck enhancement surgery so she could easily peer over any bathroom stall without getting on her tippy-toes. And people will clap for her.
Speaking of losing our heroes, we’ve lost so many relics of our childhood that we wouldn’t be the people we are today without. Blockbusters, McDonalds breakfast buffet, Roy Rogers (the 3 spread out over NJ truck stops don’t count) thinking the goliaths knocking dingers to the moon in baseball weren’t on performance enhancing drugs, the memory of Michael Jackson… OK that one actually has been skewed for as long as I can remember. Sadly, Chief Wahoo has died as well, due to the political correctness nonsense this world has been repeatedly giving into. Childhood me, and adult me, weep for him.
Of course some things have gotten better with technology, we’ve seen some crazy shit from Back to the Future come to life and the worlds better for it. I just don’t think we’d have seen a future where Marty McFly cracks open the door to the Delorean and Doc Brown has to stop him from eating a loaf of bread because it might upset his tummy. Honestly, if we could get the flying cars to finally happen, people wouldn’t even have to worry about a wall, just fly over that sucker. Also, what the fuck happened to all the cool shit from when we were younger? Where are pogs, why aren’t my beanie babies worth any money? Has anyone fed my tamagotchi in the past 18 years? I’m beginning to fear he might be dead.