Ranking the sports beers

Anyone who has ever spent an entire Sunday at a bar watching every single football game from the first kickoff to the last whistle of Sunday Night Football knows this to be true. There are 3 main bar beers for getting hammered on a Sunday. These are the every-mans beer, the ones you’ll pick up a 30 rack of before a party, a weekend away, a tailgate, or for any event where you’re going to want to drink your weight while still maintaining some semblance of being a functioning human. The one’s you’ll try to drink in excess on a plane in order to beat Boggs record because they’re not as heavy or filling as other beers.

They’re a step above the shitty beers of college, such as Keystone or Natty light, so you don’t need to give yourself a pep-talk before chugging an entire case. These 3 beers, the sports beers, are Bud Light, Miller Lite, and Coors light. You know you’ll find a bucket deal for at least one of these at any bar on a Sunday, and you 100% will be drinking enough to wear that bucket on your head by the end of the night. These aren’t craft beers brewed with intense scrutiny and with hidden flavors that you’ll need a dictionary to spell correct, but instead are simple, and easy to drink. Light enough to pound an entire 12 pack before even sitting down to order wings.

Recently Bud Light has began targeting Miller and Coors in their ads, even though at this point in the game, most people have chosen which of the 3 is their preferred beer of choice for binge drinking. Bud Light for some reason thought pointing out that Miller and Coors use corn syrup in their ingredients, thinking maybe those of us out there who don’t pick Bud Light when needing to get black out drunk will make the switch, for health reasons. I don’t know who thought that was a good idea, but someone should tell Bud Light that those of us who buy their beer usually do so at gas stations on our way to some event, usually just to pregame before drinking whichever of the 3 the host of the event already has on stock. Health concerns aren’t running through our minds when we’re trying to figure out which light nectar we’ll be consuming first before we lose all memory of the night. If health was a concern, chances are we’d be steering clear of all three of these beers, and going with just Vodka. Gotta count those calories, of course.

Not to mention, those of us who partake in heavily drinking these beers, the ones who they rely on to continue buying them in bulk, have no idea what corn syrup really is. In all honesty, had Miller Lite started a campaign saying ” Miller Lite: The only beer WITH corn syrup” most of us would’ve thought “wow, why aren’t the other beers using corn syrup?”. And then we would’ve still bought whichever of the 3 we already were going to, because nobody gives a shit about corn syrup.

If we’re going to rank the 3, the official Brewpound ranks are

3- Coors Light- honestly it has a hint of human piss in it, no matter if the mountains are blue on the can. It’s the least likely of the three that you’d find us throwing down an 18 of on the train on our way to Yankee stadium, or in the parking lot at MetLife.

2- Miller Lite- It’s just “there”. That’s what it has going for it. It’s not as good as Bud Light, but it’s not as pissy as Coors Light. Which honestly should be it’s slogan. “We’re not as bad as Coors Light.” It just exists, so someone has to drink it.

1-Bud Light- We can actually drink it and enjoy it with food, and even when you leave some out after a night of partying, it’s not terrible the next day as a breakfast beer. We’ve probably put some of their employees kids through college with the amount we’ve drank over the years.

That’s the ranks, but we all know if we walk into a bar and a bucket of Coors is the beer of choice with it’s deals, we’ll be knocking back more than a few blue mountains. If these beers were smart, they’d start marketing the taste they leave in your mouth the next day, or how well they hold up when you’re projectile vomiting them or doing the ol’ Boot and rally. That’s the market that needs to be cornered. If Coors light tasted like cherries on the way back out, I’d definitely be more inclined to choose that next time on my way to blackout city.

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