I just watched The Greatest Showman and I might be gay now

This isn’t my first foray into musicals, actually this isn’t even my first foray into musicals starring Hugh Jackman. That would be Les Miserables, which I gotta tell ya, was another movie that made me wonder why my pants got tighter during any of the million X-Men movies with Wolverine.

Do I have a man crush on Logan himself? With his whimsical dancing and the voice of a gruff untamed animal in the wild that you want to take home and house train? Sure, maybe a little. Then add in the blue river that is Zac Efrons eyes and you’ve got yourself one helluva musical adventure that would make even the hardest of MAGA hat wearing, gun-toting, bible thumping rednecks who love to scream “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve” while burning crosses on the neighborhood negro’s yard question their own sexuality, albeit momentarily.

The movie starts off with a pretty damn rip-roaring (I honestly don’t know how else to describe it) musical number that I happened to catch myself listening to on the way to work this morning. I also undoubtedly will be listening to it on my way home.

Once I get the words memorized, look out Saturday night karaoke drunk at 2am. It immediately goes into another musical number sung at first by the young PT Barnum that segues into adult PT and all his mythical glory and bright eyed enthusiasm. with lyrics

“Cause every night I lie in bed
The brightest colors fill my head”

I too was starting to see colors fill my head. This is where sexual orientation began to be questioned, and rightfully so.

OK Michelle Williams plays PT’s wife and she looks great. I keep enjoying anytime she’s on screen and it also makes me remember I’m straight.

Thanks Michelle you’re beautiful I love every sec-

OH god no, Zacs on screen and I’m confused again. Then to top it off he has a duet with Hugh Jackman that I have to say, IS FANTASTIC. It takes place between the two of them alone in a bar and even the bartender somehow makes great use of his screen time and honestly I want to be in the bar drinking with them while this happens.

Then along comes this girl Zendaya who honestly I have never heard of before this movie, but apparently she’s famous from some teen Disney show. Still not sure how that has allowed her to be in the pretty elite class of famous people who get away with using only one name, but somehow that’s happened. Bono would be turning over in his grave, if he weren’t still alive.

So I’m back feeling comfortable with myself and being attracted to Zendaya (she’s 22, it’s OK. Sorta creepy, but OK) and of course her and Zac are into each other because of course, and also I wanna know how cute those kids would be. And now they’re having a duet and Oh my god ZAC IS AMAZING IN IT. Zendaya is all over the place, flying around in ribbon and just being amazing but honestly I’m lost now in Zac’s performance and Zendaya’s mastery of the trapeze and I don’t know what this says about me anymore that I am literally so taken aback by this, to the point I’d call it art. Wonderful, amazing, phenomenal art and OH MY GOD ZACs EYES AGAIN.

I’ve gone almost full homosexual after this scene and I’m OK with that. The movie just is great going forward, and the music is stuff I’ll be listening to on repeat for a while after this. Wolverine is amazing as always, and I keep telling myself it’s just a normal man crush. I highly recommend this movie regardless of sexual orientation, it’s got a good story, obviously a great soundtrack, plenty of freaks like you’d have found in any PT Barnum show, and don’t even get me started out the outfits. (Seriously, don’t. I’ve done enough to ruin my reputation gushing over the soundtrack) Hopefully my girlfriend tonight will remind me I’m a straight man, or at the very least, we can listen to the soundtrack together.

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