Enjoying a Super Bowl party

It’s pretty much a given that if you’re a breathing human being who can function, you’ll be going to a Super Bowl party on Sunday. Regardless of if you like football, sports, socializing, drinking, or just leaving your house on a Sunday, chances are on Super Bowl Sunday you suck it up and go watch the game. This is a guide for how to make the most of Super Bowl Sunday for all the varieties of people that’ll be there.

For those who don’t actually like football or care about the game, having to go and watch can seem like a chore. Maybe your boyfriend is dragging you to his friends or to a bar for the game, or maybe your family is having the party at your house and you feel obligated to stop writing your poetry, watching anime porn, reading political blogs, or whatever it is people who don’t like football do and go down and watch with the rest of your family and friends.

Whatever the reasoning is, if you don’t like football and have to watch the game, enjoying it should still be easy enough. Try not to open your mouth too much and ask questions about the game, you’ve had all season to watch some football and figure out even the bare minimum about the rules, asking people during the biggest game of the year is a move done by the same people who remind teachers to assign homework, or who try to debate politics at family holiday dinners. Just quit being a bitch ass and keep your mouth shut. Find some food, pretend to know what’s going on during the game, enjoy the commercials, and you’ll be fine. You don’t want to be here, chances are nobody really wants you there either since you’re probably a lame-ass, but here we are, so let’s just make the best of it. If you happen to be there because you were dragged by your significant other, then hopefully you won’t be the only one stuck at a party revolving around a game that you have no interest in, and can mingle with the other girlfriends sitting in this moment of relationship purgatory.

For the gamblers out there, it’d be nice if you also keep your mouths shut. Chances are, you’re surrounded by friends, or at least acquaintances, so everyone knows you have a gambling problem. We don’t need you talking about the current bets you’ve placed on the game, and sure as hell don’t need to hear about any bets you may have won or lost in the past this season. That’s basically like talking about your fantasy team from this year, another thing nobody should bring up. It doesn’t mean shit anymore whether you won your league, and I don’t care if you had Gurley on your team or any other player that’s currently in the Super Bowl. That was an eternity ago at this point and you’re not gaining any friends by bringing it up.

Those gambling on prop bets and such also don’t need to continually talk about said prop bets throughout the night. If you laid down 50 bucks in hopes that Gladys Knight’s rendition of The National Anthem would go over 2 minutes, that’s your own issue that you’ve wasted your money on. I’m not winning or losing any money on the stupid bets you’ve made, so I don’t want to hear about them. Keep your degenerate gambling issues to yourself.

Also for those gambling, if you’re watching with someone who’s actual team is playing, don’t be that guy constantly rooting for the score. Yeah you have money on it, but for some of us, watching our team win the Super Bowl is more important than money. Lets say you’re with a Rams fan, (just a scenario here) and the Rams happen to be winning and the Patriots are driving down the field in the last minute (which is probably what’s going to happen) to take the lead, don’t be shouting about how you need them to score to cover the spread. Don’t be that guy. The Rams fans entire season is on the line right now, something they’ve been waiting for since kickoff week 1, you’re cheering for some bet you made maybe like 3 hours ago. I’ve seen this happen too often, and usually the gambler throws in a few “I’m sorry, I need this to cover though”s or some other version of that, but that doesn’t make it OK. That’s like thinking saying “no offense” before saying something extremely offensive negates someone feeling offended. You losing your money isn’t as important to anyone as watching their actual team play. And lets say in that scenario the Pats score, hold your excitement in, a part of a Rams fan just died in front of everyone, don’t rub it in even more celebrating a team you don’t care actually about just because you made a few bucks.

For the casual fan, someone who watches a few games throughout the season but doesn’t care too much about who wins, you have the easiest path to enjoying the day. Show up, mingle, watch the game when you feel like it, keep to yourself when people are focused on the game, and it’ll be an easy day for you. In fact I envy you.

For those of us who watch football every week religiously, even if our team isn’t in it, this is what we’ve been waiting for. This is the ultimate Sunday Funday for us. I recommended making this into a day long event. Start with a breakfast beer or two, have a light lunch, and get to the party early. You’re going to want to make sure your ass finds itself in prime position to actually watch the game. Normal rules of society should apply during the game, such as calling 5’s on your seat, so if someone else grabs a good one, chances are you’ll never find a way into it during the night. Also, this is end of a season we’ve all spent watching from our couches, bar stools, on our phones in the bathrooms of Church and wherever else, so make sure to enjoy it. Was that your last beer of the night? Well if it was, that means it’s your last beer of the season, so pull your pants up and have another. There are few rules to abide by, as you need to let it all out today. Don’t leave any of your debauchery on the field. Drink your body weight, eat enough wings Colonel Sanders would blush and the city of Buffalo would adopt you. There is no tomorrow!

Don’t get too drunk too early, (but obviously get drunk) you want to remember the highlights of the game. Don’t be on your phone too much, enjoy what’s actually happening in front of you. Make sure you bring your own beer and some sort of food, because the guy who shows up empty handed shouldn’t be the one who leaves the fullest or drunkest. Wear a football jersey, any team, don’t be a dick and wear a baseball jersey and say “you said wear a jersey”, you’re not funny. You’re a piece of shit who should go home and watch the game alone and try again next year.

Also- and I can’t stress this enough, if you haven’t already, take Monday off. Otherwise, the Super Bowl Sunday Scaries will get ya, and they’re a monster.

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