Hear me out, this actually could be the greatest idea of all time. No, I have no theater or acting history, minus playing munchkin #27 in my fifth grade performance of Wizard of Oz, which I killed by the way. That shouldn’t effect my candidacy though, and it shouldn’t rule me out. The Oscars are all about inclusiveness, acceptance, progress and making fun of Donald Trump. I honestly have no political affiliation or preference, therefore I have no loyalty to the right or left- so whatever. Lets throw some orange crayola jokes at the audience and have toddlers in oversize suits scream “build the wall” as my sight-gag throughout the night. I do have the unfortunate problem of being a white male, so there would be plenty of people clamoring that it’s not really progress at all, but I’d totally play off that and acknowledge it in my tweets and interviews leading up to the big day- I’ll use my platform for good dammit! We can even invite R. Kelly to perform and then when he comes out just throw a big net on him and beat him like a pinata.
Hosting really doesn’t seem all that hard. I have charisma, I think? and a strong/constant need for attention. When it comes down to it, the opening act is really all that matters with the host, so I figure I’ll start with a killer musical number. This is where my background in drunk karaoke comes in. Maybe have Meatloaf come out and duet “Anything for Love” with me, followed by a surprise appearance from Lady Gaga showing her comedic chops with a rousing rendition of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” and end with a dance number to some Backstreet Boys, with special guest The Backstreet Boys, who will probably be there anyway working for the catering company.
Then the quick monologue, which is just a couple of tongue in cheek remarks about Kevin Spacey inviting me up to his hotel room and Harvey Weinstein watching at home from studio D-block, some humble jokes about Meryl Streep, Jennifer Lawrence, and Mahershala Ali that don’t actually offend; jokes about Dick Cheney, Fox News and James Woods that do actually offend (though not anybody in the room) and then have the first presenters come out. Boom, opening monologue taken care of. The rest of the hosting duties will be a breeze.
I’m an absolute nobody, so this is a true Cinderella story in a town that LOVES to rehash Cinderella stories. I’d be like a modern day Rocky, (best picture winner!) in the sense I came from nothing but have my one shot to go the distance with Apollo Cre- ah, with the Academy. I read on at least a 10th grade level, so the teleprompter should be a breeze and I know how to say celebrities names so they can come out and do the actual award presenting. When it’s time for the “In Memoriam” I can use my adult voice and speak in a solemn tone to show it’s serious, I have range! Maybe we’ll throw in a duet with Bradley Cooper and prove to my girlfriend I do kinda look like him if you squint. Some off-the-cuff jokes to celebrities about what they’re wearing or who they’re sitting next to, and at the end of the night just make sure whatever golden age of cinema celebrity they woke up to present Best Picture doesn’t say the wrong movie.
I’d also give some retroactive Oscars to Sylvester Stallone, Michael Keaton, Bruce Springsteen and Mickey Rourke because they all got screwed the past few years. I’d do some sketch dressed as Batman just because this is my fantasy and I can, and I’d do some provocative dance with Jennifer Aniston- for the laughs of course.
A couple of wardrobe changes, maybe dress in drag for the cheap laughs, mention all the movies from the past year, its a simple formula. At the end of the night- “Thanks for watching, goodnight America!” I really don’t see how this could go wrong.