You should need a license to eat wings

I get it, it’s football season. Sunday’s are basically the holy day for anyone who loves buffalo wings. I myself could probably eat endless amounts if I had a buffalo daddy supplying me money to continue feeding my spicy wing obsession. I don’t though, and am usually relegated to eating between 8-12, whatever my wallet allows that day. So obviously I would never say anything bad about buffalo wings in general, it’s just, like drivers licenses or the right to bear arms, not everyone should have the freedom to eat the heavenly wings.

Over the years, I’ve grown fond of the boneless wing. These are tricky though, as some of the places I’ve tried to binge them during a game don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. Some places basically give you over-fried little pieces of popcorn chicken spun in some hot sauce. Other places I’ve seen give little bite size barely breaded chicken dripping in Franks Red Hot. I’ve had some that basically give you General Tso’s with some tabasco sauce. The places that have them down to a science though, they know what they’re doing. Lightly breaded, perfectly fried, tossed in the right sauce of my choosing. Its like little mini chicken breasts with a slight crunch and a heap of sauce that fits on a fork.

Boneless wings are fine for everyone, eat as many as you can, use ranch or blue cheese, whatever floats your boat. It’s the bone-in wings that we need to talk about.

Yes, they’re a staple of Sundays, and they’re easy to eat and they’re a simple bar food. If done right, they’re amazing. However, some people don’t know how to eat these beauties and its a travesty and a horror being around them watching their attempts. Buffalo wings are basically the corn-on-the-cob of the bar food world. Think of anyone you’ve seen eat corn on the cob who didn’t have butter and corn chunks dripping down their hands and faces. The same happens for amateur wing eaters. Some people know how to eat wings while keeping this unfortunate outcome contained, to maybe just some sauce on the fingers and around the mouth. Others though, they’ll have sauce on the top of their forehead, chicken in their ears, and sauce somehow on the backs of their hands. Worse, watching them eat is like the wood chipper scene in Fargo, as chunks of chicken fly from their mouths, forcing those around to dodge the poultry shrapnel as well as protect their own meals from the hazardous waste these savages let loose into the environment.

Look, its inevitable if you get buffalo wings that you can’t eat them delicately with a fork and knife, pinky up, while wiping your mouth ever so gently with a napkin after every bite. Sauce will get on your hands and face, its supposed to. Just don’t eat like a barbarian where you make everyone around you uncomfortable. If you notice your friends groan or make some sort of horrified facial gesture when you order wings, know you’re part of the problem. Say “boneless” when the waiter asks which you want. There’s nothing worse than an adult who looks like an infant being force fed spaghetti. It ruins the meal for those around, as people are forced to focus on the train wreck that is you, watching in horror wanting to look away, but having to maintain eye contact so as to make sure no pieces of debris cause them any bodily harm.

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