I don’t care about your fantasy team

Listen, you’re not special. Almost everyone, including women who don’t watch football and people who casually watch as an excuse to get drunk on a Sunday and eat their body weight in wings, are in some sorta fantasy league. The worst part is these people somehow tend to do pretty good, probably because they don’t overthink things like the majority of people who think they know what they’re talking about. Its just the way the world is now, we all play. You’re not in some secret club that needs a handshake and password to get into. I have my own (very shitty this year) team. In my own league. With my own winnings/bragging rights at stake. That’s how every league works. I don’t need to come in on a Monday morning and hear about how your team did. I don’t need a player by player analysis for your specific team. Chances are, I don’t care about the majority of players on your team. Having to sit and look at someone’s lineup is almost as bad as being forced to sit and watch a “hilarious” video on youtube someone wants to show you on their phone. Its an awkward moment, made even more awkward by the fact your inches away from the person, forced to scrounge around that little 5 inch phone hearing their heavy breathing, lip smacking, spit swallowing disgusting human sounds that we all pretend we don’t do ourselves.

If you’re not in my league, I don’t give a shit. We may have a few of the same players on our team, great. That doesn’t mean we share an immortal bond that can never be broken. That just means we both made the choice to draft/pick up that guy this season.  I wasn’t watching on Sunday to see how your team did. I don’t have my eyes on potential pick-ups for you. In fact, having me look at your team looking for some sort of gratification is probably an awful idea. I haven’t won in years. If anything,hope I hate your team.

If you want to come in and talk about highlights from the actual games, that I will do. You want to talk real playoff scenarios and chances of actual teams, lets do it. I don’t want to talk about how your cousin is the last seed of the playoffs in your money league and started Derrick Henry this week and advanced to the next round to play your brother in law next week who has Todd Gurley. I don’t know these people, not one ounce of my over-sized body gives a shit about them. I know you; I also don’t give a shit about your team. Why would you think I care about your extended families of whom I don’t know? 

Its like looking at coworkers baby pictures. I do not care.I’ll save my hatred for babies for another day. Just know I don’t want to look at pictures and pretend to have a faint interest in the dribble of your baby or how it has your husband’s eyes. Your husband to me is the equivalent of asecond cousin in a coworker’s fantasy league. Non-existent, not someone I know,not someone I will ever know.

Also, don’t give me a round by round breakdown of your draft and tell me your team is fire. Everyone’s team is usually pretty good after the draft. It’s fantasy football. You got Tom Brady in the 5th round?Cool man, I can’t believe you didn’t get some undrafted o-lineman. Oh wait yes I can, cause it’s fucking fantasy and every player taken is a skill player who will put up points. And QBs always fall late. Unless you’re an idiot Packersfan who takes Aaron first because you play with your heart. *sigh.

If you win it all at the end, that’s brag worthy. Come in,tell me you won your eight man family league and whatever money and ill say that’s awesome, buy me lunch. Winning is fun, and hard, and its worth sharing. Winning in week 5 though against your cousins ex-husband who you still talk to, but don’t tell your cousin cause she’ll get mad, is not something I or anyone needs to hear about.

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